Staying in touch can be hard, especially when your world’s been turned upside down. There’s never a good excuse, only explanations, and here’s mine.
I left Japan at the end of July last year and came home. I’ve been studying at Indiana University since August, working toward a Ph.D. in foreign language education, but that’s not the real reason I came home. About 3 years ago, when my mum went in for a regular mammogram, the doctors found a lump. It was a really small one, but after biopsying it, they determined that it was cancer. She had it removed and was given an all-clear from the doctor. Then about a year ago, she had a cough that just wouldn’t go away. She went in to the doctor and they discovered that they hadn’t gotten all the cancer out the first time around; now it had spread to her lungs and brain. The doctors had told her that chemotherapy wouldn’t have made a difference the first time around, so she had just done radiation. I guess they were wrong. The cancer was in Stage 4 now so she began chemo and radiation to take care of it. The doctors said that since it was breast cancer that had spread, the chemo should work wonderfully, and for a while, it seemed to. But then they found it had spread to her liver, and eventually her bones. Three weeks ago today she finally succumbed and her body gave out.
What do you say to someone whose mother, or sister, or wife, has passed away? Unless you’ve been through it yourself, it’s hard to know. I’ve decided to write this blog so that if any of you know someone who goes through this, you may have a better idea of what to do. No situation is the same, but at least I can tell you what was helpful for me and my family; at least it’s a place to start.
#1: Don’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Just do something.
When people said this to me, I knew they had good intentions. But what was I supposed to say? “Buy me a car.” “Take me out to dinner.” “Buy our groceries.”? I don’t want to impose on anyone. However, there ARE things you can do. One lady stopped by one evening with a bag of breakfast supplies: bagels, cream cheese, fruit, milk, and juice. It was so thoughtful of her and something I never would have asked for, but it was SO nice to have! Another woman brought over a tray of lasagna, a large salad, and bread. Even though cooking is usually therapeutic for me, the stress of losing my mum made me tired all the time. Having a full meal that we could just throw in the oven and put on the table was a great gift that she gave us. On the other hand, we received TONS of sweets – brownies, cake, cookies,… - more than we could even begin to finish. Having real food was much more useful. One lady made us a vat of chicken salad and brought about 50 rolls; this was nice but we were eating chicken salad for a week just to get through it! You don’t need to do much, but bringing over a meal is a wonderful gesture.
#2: If you’re gonna give me a hug, give me a real one.
I found a lot of people who wanted to give me a hug to make me feel better, but they only gave half a hug. Do you know what I mean? Our shoulders met but the rest of our body was apart. If you want to give someone a hug, but you’re afraid that you don’t know them well enough to give a real one, just don’t give one at all. Half-hugs do not make me feel better.
#3: Don’t try to make me feel better. Just say, “That sucks.”
Again, I know people thought they were trying to help, but when someone tells me that “she’s in a better place” or “it’s all part of God’s plan”, I really want to tell them to go *$#& themselves (pardon my French). It takes time to get through this. There’s a hole in my heart where my mum was, and it may be a year before I spend less time focusing on the hole than I do on other things. The best thing you can do is be available to listen.
#4: Keep the cards coming.
Even if you can’t make it to the visitation or funeral, it’s amazing how nice it is to receive a card. We’re still receiving them and it’s lovely to hear how people knew my mum. Even a small gesture like this is appreciated.
#5: If you invite us over, and we decline, don’t take it personally.
Just after Mum died, everyone invited us over for dinner. It’s a wonderful gesture but there are times when we are just too tired. It’s nothing against you; it’s just that staying home and watching movies may be easier.
********************
I hope everyone’s lives are going well, but if they aren’t, feel free to contact me – I’m always happy to listen. Take care and keep my family in your thoughts.
sharron
A real Asian experience: Part III... Beijing
And the bad part of my trip begins.
Day 1
After a hard night on what they call a "soft-sleeper", I arrived in Beijing at 7:30am. Since I couldn't check-in until noon, I stuffed my bags in a locker and went for a cold walk. I first came across a park that was filled with older people doing tai chi, playing badminton, and rehearsing for some kind of dance performance. And then there's me, bundled up in my scarf and hat, huddled on a bench, reading a book! I then continued my wander to Tiananmen Square and after having a quick look between Tiananmen Gate and the Forbidden City, decided I was too cold and tired to go in. I decided to head back to the train station, pick up my stuff, and go to the hostel. As I was leaving, the craziest thing happened: 5 Chinese men in black leather coats jumped the guardrails and charged the guards along the moat. You can imagine what happened - a mad rush of police arrested them and hauled them around the back to an office. Then other police, who I SWEAR are required to be at least 6 feet tall, pushed the crowd way back, yelling what I can only imagine to be, "Hey! What are you looking at?! Get back! There's nothing to see here! Move it!" (but as you can imagine, that only drew more of a crowd!) Meanwhile, a slew of other police had climbed down into the moat to fish out whatever it was those guys had tossed in. It was kinda scary and exciting at the same time. I made sure to keep my distance 'cuz I SO didn't need to get arrested under suspicion of involvement! You can bet that there was NOTHING in the news about that later that night! After the excitement had died down, I made my way to the train station, then to the hostel. Another 3 hour nap later, and I was ready to go find some dinner. I ended up at the Downtown Cafe where I ate vegetarian lasagna and downed a bottle of water. That accomplished, I was ready for a proper night's sleep.
Day 2
Another day of rain and muck. I ventured out around noon, only to wander around my area NE of the center and end up spending most of the day in coffee shops and malls. I still hadn't seen the Forbidden City but wasn't too heartbroken about it, as I was totally looking forward to visiting the Great Wall the next day (my last). That evening I splurged for a fancy Italian restaurant which cost an arm and a leg but was divine. After planning for my big final day, I hit the hay at 10:30pm.
Day 3
I got up, packed a day bag, and made my way to the bus station. Thus begins my last and worst day in China. They wouldn't sell me a ticket. And I refused to pay 40x the bus ticket to hire a taxi there and back. I then made my way to where the tour buses were, only to find that they had all already left for the day. What a letdown, as this was really the only reason I'd planned to come to Beijing. I must admit, there were a few tears and a couple sobs. Not to let the whole day be a waste, I spent 2 1/2 hours in the Forbidden City, which unfortunately is under massive renovations for the Olympics in the summer of 2008. Although I did get some satisfactory photos, it was nothing like what I'm sure the Great Wall would've been. What a disappointment. I went back to the hostel, finished packing, and went to bed.
I hate Beijing.
Day 1
After a hard night on what they call a "soft-sleeper", I arrived in Beijing at 7:30am. Since I couldn't check-in until noon, I stuffed my bags in a locker and went for a cold walk. I first came across a park that was filled with older people doing tai chi, playing badminton, and rehearsing for some kind of dance performance. And then there's me, bundled up in my scarf and hat, huddled on a bench, reading a book! I then continued my wander to Tiananmen Square and after having a quick look between Tiananmen Gate and the Forbidden City, decided I was too cold and tired to go in. I decided to head back to the train station, pick up my stuff, and go to the hostel. As I was leaving, the craziest thing happened: 5 Chinese men in black leather coats jumped the guardrails and charged the guards along the moat. You can imagine what happened - a mad rush of police arrested them and hauled them around the back to an office. Then other police, who I SWEAR are required to be at least 6 feet tall, pushed the crowd way back, yelling what I can only imagine to be, "Hey! What are you looking at?! Get back! There's nothing to see here! Move it!" (but as you can imagine, that only drew more of a crowd!) Meanwhile, a slew of other police had climbed down into the moat to fish out whatever it was those guys had tossed in. It was kinda scary and exciting at the same time. I made sure to keep my distance 'cuz I SO didn't need to get arrested under suspicion of involvement! You can bet that there was NOTHING in the news about that later that night! After the excitement had died down, I made my way to the train station, then to the hostel. Another 3 hour nap later, and I was ready to go find some dinner. I ended up at the Downtown Cafe where I ate vegetarian lasagna and downed a bottle of water. That accomplished, I was ready for a proper night's sleep.
Day 2
Another day of rain and muck. I ventured out around noon, only to wander around my area NE of the center and end up spending most of the day in coffee shops and malls. I still hadn't seen the Forbidden City but wasn't too heartbroken about it, as I was totally looking forward to visiting the Great Wall the next day (my last). That evening I splurged for a fancy Italian restaurant which cost an arm and a leg but was divine. After planning for my big final day, I hit the hay at 10:30pm.
Day 3
I got up, packed a day bag, and made my way to the bus station. Thus begins my last and worst day in China. They wouldn't sell me a ticket. And I refused to pay 40x the bus ticket to hire a taxi there and back. I then made my way to where the tour buses were, only to find that they had all already left for the day. What a letdown, as this was really the only reason I'd planned to come to Beijing. I must admit, there were a few tears and a couple sobs. Not to let the whole day be a waste, I spent 2 1/2 hours in the Forbidden City, which unfortunately is under massive renovations for the Olympics in the summer of 2008. Although I did get some satisfactory photos, it was nothing like what I'm sure the Great Wall would've been. What a disappointment. I went back to the hostel, finished packing, and went to bed.
I hate Beijing.
A real Asian experience: Part II... Shanghai
Day 1
I arrived in Shanghai slightly exhausted, having dozed a bit on the plane but being wakened by the stewardess who was adamant that I eat the meal. Arriving at the airport, I was amazed by how modern it was! If I hadn't known I was in China, I would've thought I was at O'Hare. After clearing customs, I decided to splurge, and rather than take the 1 hour bus into the city, instead take the Maglev train (magnetic levitation) which takes only 8 minutes. What an amazing experience! When the train reached its maximum speed of 431 km per hour (and for you Americans, that's 269 mph!), I knew the $7 ticket was worth it! I then caught the metro and walked the last 10 min. to my hostel, a hole-in-the-wall place in a very prime location that cost only $9 a night.
Awake again, I ventured out to secure a soft-sleeper ticket for the March 1st night train to Beijing and see about a ticket for the famed Shanghai acrobats. The train ticket was harder to come by than I expected. My Lonely Planet recommended that I should NOT, by any means, go directly to the normal ticket office, where they most likely couldn't speak English and it would be filled with rambuncious Chinese trying to get tickets as well. Instead, I should visit a nearby hotel who, though charging a small fee, could speak English and book the ticket for me. As I found out, the hotel was under construction (and I mean, had been demolished and was being completely rebuilt!) so with much hesitation, I entered the normal ticketing office, only to find English-speaking sales agents and no line! That handled, I went off to find the theatre to buy tickets for the next night's performance. On reaching the theatre, I discovered they'd closed for renovations until May (!!!) but the woman working at the front door of the Ritz said the concierge inside could arrange a ticket for me elsewhere. So helpful! The concierge was very polite and was able to book my ticket immediately. (The troupe, as it turned out, was performing at a smaller theatre in the meantime.) This was the 4th time friendly Shanghai-ese had helped me, something that contrasted sharply with my experience in Seoul. Even the locals at the coffee shop had explained exactly where the theatre was, as it wasn't clearly marked on my map. What a lovely surprise, as I'd been afraid that NO ONE in China would be able to speak English!
The walk to the theatre revealed how modern Shanghai is, but also how duplicit it is. On one side of the street you can see elegant, modern skyscrapers, and on the other, derelict 1920s Parisian-style apartment buildings and shops in desperate need of renovation. It's quite the contrast. The road to the theatre is the west half of what could be described as Shanghai's tourist street. The center of town is People's Park, where old men huddle around games of Mahjongg and couples go for a short walk. There are several beautiful museums located in the park, which, though it can't compete with Ueno Park in Tokyo or Tiergarten in Berlin in size, provides a nice break from the concrete.
After a nice long nap, I went for a walk to see Shanghai at night. I began heading down the Bund, along the west side of the river that divides the old part of Shanghai with the new and improved Pudong side to the east. Most of the buildings along the Bund were built by or for the large foreign population in Shanghai around the turn of the last century, and you can still see their majesty. Across the river are all the pretty, lit-up modern feats of architecture, but the Bund provides for more photgenic shots. I was awestruck.
After the Bund, I wandered along the east half of the tourist street to the park. This side is pedestrian-ized and has more neon than Shijuku and Shibuya in Tokyo put together. Stores and restaurants of every kind line this street and even though it was 10pm on a Tuesday night, the street was crowded with shoppers. It was even possible to take a trolley ride along this road to revel in all the color. All in all, my first day in Shanghai was terrific!
Day 2
I began the day with a walk to Yuyuan Temple and Gardens. This is a bit of a flashback to Old China, and though Lonely Planet says it's a bit cheesy, I loved it! It was still festively decorated for the New Year. The area around the temple and gardens has become a giant market with traditional Chinese goods being sold next to McDonald's and Starbucks. Too funny! The temple and gardens were amazing... I couldn't stop taking pictures! After wandering out of the meleé that was the market, I began the hunt for a place to sit down for lunch. Though my "trusty" book recommended an "easy-to-find" place, no one could help me locate it, so I stopped at a woman cooking on the street and settled for a metal plate filled with a noodle, beef, onion, stirfry for 8 yuon ($1). She then took me upstairs to the restaurant where I joined 3 old Chinese women eating ramen :) It was pretty funny, having bought my food on the street and then jumping the queue to wedge myself into an empty seat. Honestly, that was the best meal I had on my trip!
After lunch, I wandered to the French Concession, inappropriately named as when it was established, most people living there were Russian! This is the ritzy area of Shanghai and it was the perfect day for a stroll. I wandered through an open-air mall, down streets of lovely old homes, and through a park with a fountain and an area where families were flying kites. I even saw a guy in an authentic Iowa Hawkeyes sweatshirt!
That evening, I returned to the French Concession to see the Shanghai Acrobat Troupe perform in a little theatre. I ended up sitting next to a guy and his mother from Lebanon who were very pleasant to visit with. The guy had just finished university and moved to Shanghai 7 months earlier to study Chinese and eventually get a job. His mum was visiting for 3 weeks, and though he seemed to get annoyed with her easily, I thought she was charming in a motherly sort of way. Isn't that always the way it is?! The performance was spectacular, and though I got some cool photos, I wished I'd had my video cam along. Thus ends another lovely day in Shanghai!
Day 3
My last day dawned rainy and dismal. I checked out of the hostel and took my bags to the left luggage office at the train station. I'd planned to go to Pudong and go up the high towers to see Shanghai from above, but with the rain and fog, I knew it would be a wasted trip. Plan B was to visit a museum or 2 at People's Park, but when I got there, I just didn't feel like that either. In the end, I went to see a movie :) "The Devil Wears Prada." I'd read the book and wasn't really the biggest of fans but the movie was great! What a surprise! The rest of the afternoon I spent window shopping and at a foreign bookshop. (Shame on me. :) ) At 7:30pm I was on the night train to Beijing, wishing I'd planned for a whole week in Shanghai, but with all the excitement for more cool experiences! If only I'd known...
I arrived in Shanghai slightly exhausted, having dozed a bit on the plane but being wakened by the stewardess who was adamant that I eat the meal. Arriving at the airport, I was amazed by how modern it was! If I hadn't known I was in China, I would've thought I was at O'Hare. After clearing customs, I decided to splurge, and rather than take the 1 hour bus into the city, instead take the Maglev train (magnetic levitation) which takes only 8 minutes. What an amazing experience! When the train reached its maximum speed of 431 km per hour (and for you Americans, that's 269 mph!), I knew the $7 ticket was worth it! I then caught the metro and walked the last 10 min. to my hostel, a hole-in-the-wall place in a very prime location that cost only $9 a night.
Awake again, I ventured out to secure a soft-sleeper ticket for the March 1st night train to Beijing and see about a ticket for the famed Shanghai acrobats. The train ticket was harder to come by than I expected. My Lonely Planet recommended that I should NOT, by any means, go directly to the normal ticket office, where they most likely couldn't speak English and it would be filled with rambuncious Chinese trying to get tickets as well. Instead, I should visit a nearby hotel who, though charging a small fee, could speak English and book the ticket for me. As I found out, the hotel was under construction (and I mean, had been demolished and was being completely rebuilt!) so with much hesitation, I entered the normal ticketing office, only to find English-speaking sales agents and no line! That handled, I went off to find the theatre to buy tickets for the next night's performance. On reaching the theatre, I discovered they'd closed for renovations until May (!!!) but the woman working at the front door of the Ritz said the concierge inside could arrange a ticket for me elsewhere. So helpful! The concierge was very polite and was able to book my ticket immediately. (The troupe, as it turned out, was performing at a smaller theatre in the meantime.) This was the 4th time friendly Shanghai-ese had helped me, something that contrasted sharply with my experience in Seoul. Even the locals at the coffee shop had explained exactly where the theatre was, as it wasn't clearly marked on my map. What a lovely surprise, as I'd been afraid that NO ONE in China would be able to speak English!
The walk to the theatre revealed how modern Shanghai is, but also how duplicit it is. On one side of the street you can see elegant, modern skyscrapers, and on the other, derelict 1920s Parisian-style apartment buildings and shops in desperate need of renovation. It's quite the contrast. The road to the theatre is the west half of what could be described as Shanghai's tourist street. The center of town is People's Park, where old men huddle around games of Mahjongg and couples go for a short walk. There are several beautiful museums located in the park, which, though it can't compete with Ueno Park in Tokyo or Tiergarten in Berlin in size, provides a nice break from the concrete.
After a nice long nap, I went for a walk to see Shanghai at night. I began heading down the Bund, along the west side of the river that divides the old part of Shanghai with the new and improved Pudong side to the east. Most of the buildings along the Bund were built by or for the large foreign population in Shanghai around the turn of the last century, and you can still see their majesty. Across the river are all the pretty, lit-up modern feats of architecture, but the Bund provides for more photgenic shots. I was awestruck.
After the Bund, I wandered along the east half of the tourist street to the park. This side is pedestrian-ized and has more neon than Shijuku and Shibuya in Tokyo put together. Stores and restaurants of every kind line this street and even though it was 10pm on a Tuesday night, the street was crowded with shoppers. It was even possible to take a trolley ride along this road to revel in all the color. All in all, my first day in Shanghai was terrific!
Day 2
I began the day with a walk to Yuyuan Temple and Gardens. This is a bit of a flashback to Old China, and though Lonely Planet says it's a bit cheesy, I loved it! It was still festively decorated for the New Year. The area around the temple and gardens has become a giant market with traditional Chinese goods being sold next to McDonald's and Starbucks. Too funny! The temple and gardens were amazing... I couldn't stop taking pictures! After wandering out of the meleé that was the market, I began the hunt for a place to sit down for lunch. Though my "trusty" book recommended an "easy-to-find" place, no one could help me locate it, so I stopped at a woman cooking on the street and settled for a metal plate filled with a noodle, beef, onion, stirfry for 8 yuon ($1). She then took me upstairs to the restaurant where I joined 3 old Chinese women eating ramen :) It was pretty funny, having bought my food on the street and then jumping the queue to wedge myself into an empty seat. Honestly, that was the best meal I had on my trip!
After lunch, I wandered to the French Concession, inappropriately named as when it was established, most people living there were Russian! This is the ritzy area of Shanghai and it was the perfect day for a stroll. I wandered through an open-air mall, down streets of lovely old homes, and through a park with a fountain and an area where families were flying kites. I even saw a guy in an authentic Iowa Hawkeyes sweatshirt!
That evening, I returned to the French Concession to see the Shanghai Acrobat Troupe perform in a little theatre. I ended up sitting next to a guy and his mother from Lebanon who were very pleasant to visit with. The guy had just finished university and moved to Shanghai 7 months earlier to study Chinese and eventually get a job. His mum was visiting for 3 weeks, and though he seemed to get annoyed with her easily, I thought she was charming in a motherly sort of way. Isn't that always the way it is?! The performance was spectacular, and though I got some cool photos, I wished I'd had my video cam along. Thus ends another lovely day in Shanghai!
Day 3
My last day dawned rainy and dismal. I checked out of the hostel and took my bags to the left luggage office at the train station. I'd planned to go to Pudong and go up the high towers to see Shanghai from above, but with the rain and fog, I knew it would be a wasted trip. Plan B was to visit a museum or 2 at People's Park, but when I got there, I just didn't feel like that either. In the end, I went to see a movie :) "The Devil Wears Prada." I'd read the book and wasn't really the biggest of fans but the movie was great! What a surprise! The rest of the afternoon I spent window shopping and at a foreign bookshop. (Shame on me. :) ) At 7:30pm I was on the night train to Beijing, wishing I'd planned for a whole week in Shanghai, but with all the excitement for more cool experiences! If only I'd known...
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