long time...

Staying in touch can be hard, especially when your world’s been turned upside down. There’s never a good excuse, only explanations, and here’s mine.

I left Japan at the end of July last year and came home. I’ve been studying at Indiana University since August, working toward a Ph.D. in foreign language education, but that’s not the real reason I came home. About 3 years ago, when my mum went in for a regular mammogram, the doctors found a lump. It was a really small one, but after biopsying it, they determined that it was cancer. She had it removed and was given an all-clear from the doctor. Then about a year ago, she had a cough that just wouldn’t go away. She went in to the doctor and they discovered that they hadn’t gotten all the cancer out the first time around; now it had spread to her lungs and brain. The doctors had told her that chemotherapy wouldn’t have made a difference the first time around, so she had just done radiation. I guess they were wrong. The cancer was in Stage 4 now so she began chemo and radiation to take care of it. The doctors said that since it was breast cancer that had spread, the chemo should work wonderfully, and for a while, it seemed to. But then they found it had spread to her liver, and eventually her bones. Three weeks ago today she finally succumbed and her body gave out.

What do you say to someone whose mother, or sister, or wife, has passed away? Unless you’ve been through it yourself, it’s hard to know. I’ve decided to write this blog so that if any of you know someone who goes through this, you may have a better idea of what to do. No situation is the same, but at least I can tell you what was helpful for me and my family; at least it’s a place to start.

#1: Don’t say, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Just do something.

When people said this to me, I knew they had good intentions. But what was I supposed to say? “Buy me a car.” “Take me out to dinner.” “Buy our groceries.”? I don’t want to impose on anyone. However, there ARE things you can do. One lady stopped by one evening with a bag of breakfast supplies: bagels, cream cheese, fruit, milk, and juice. It was so thoughtful of her and something I never would have asked for, but it was SO nice to have! Another woman brought over a tray of lasagna, a large salad, and bread. Even though cooking is usually therapeutic for me, the stress of losing my mum made me tired all the time. Having a full meal that we could just throw in the oven and put on the table was a great gift that she gave us. On the other hand, we received TONS of sweets – brownies, cake, cookies,… - more than we could even begin to finish. Having real food was much more useful. One lady made us a vat of chicken salad and brought about 50 rolls; this was nice but we were eating chicken salad for a week just to get through it! You don’t need to do much, but bringing over a meal is a wonderful gesture.

#2: If you’re gonna give me a hug, give me a real one.

I found a lot of people who wanted to give me a hug to make me feel better, but they only gave half a hug. Do you know what I mean? Our shoulders met but the rest of our body was apart. If you want to give someone a hug, but you’re afraid that you don’t know them well enough to give a real one, just don’t give one at all. Half-hugs do not make me feel better.

#3: Don’t try to make me feel better. Just say, “That sucks.”

Again, I know people thought they were trying to help, but when someone tells me that “she’s in a better place” or “it’s all part of God’s plan”, I really want to tell them to go *$#& themselves (pardon my French). It takes time to get through this. There’s a hole in my heart where my mum was, and it may be a year before I spend less time focusing on the hole than I do on other things. The best thing you can do is be available to listen.

#4: Keep the cards coming.

Even if you can’t make it to the visitation or funeral, it’s amazing how nice it is to receive a card. We’re still receiving them and it’s lovely to hear how people knew my mum. Even a small gesture like this is appreciated.

#5: If you invite us over, and we decline, don’t take it personally.

Just after Mum died, everyone invited us over for dinner. It’s a wonderful gesture but there are times when we are just too tired. It’s nothing against you; it’s just that staying home and watching movies may be easier.

********************
I hope everyone’s lives are going well, but if they aren’t, feel free to contact me – I’m always happy to listen. Take care and keep my family in your thoughts.

sharron